In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression. She posed this question to her students: «How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits down weeping uncontrollably the next?» A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, «A football coach?»

———————————————————————————————-

There was a man named Cletus that lived in a small town with only one traffic light. Cletus had saved up his money and bought a mo-ped. One day Cletus was at the light waiting for it to turn green when a shiny new Corvette convertible pulled up next to him. Cletus had never seen anything like this in his life. The Corvette had its top down so Cletus leans over the side of the car and starts checking out the interior. This annoys the driver of the vette so when the light turns green he steps on the gas, laying down rubber as he leaves the intersection. He gets up to 60mph when suddenly Cletus flies by him on his mo-ped. The driver of the vette says to himself «This clown wants to race». Shifting into 4th gear he steps on the gas again. He leaves Cletus in his dust as he gets up to 100mph. Then out of nowhere he sees Cletus coming up fast in his rear view mirror. He can’t believe it as Cletus flies by him again on his mo-ped. The driver of the vette shifts into 6th gear and floors it. He passes Cletus and gets up to 150mph! Once again, Cletus passes him like he’s standing still. Shocked, the driver of the vette pulls over to the side of the road. He hears gravel flying and brakes squalling as Cletus pulls up next to him. The driver of the vette congratulates Cletus on winning the race and asks him what kind of an engine he has in his mo-ped. Puzzled Cletus replied «Race? I was just trying to get my suspenders off of your side-view mirror.»

—————————————————————————————–

When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked over and whispered “Sorry sir, but you are allowed only one seat.” The man moaned but didn’t budge. “Sir,” the usher said more loudly, “if you don’t move, I’ll have to call the manager.” The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. The cop looked at the reclining man and said, “All right, what’s your name, joker?” “Joe”, he mumbled. “And where are you from, Joe?” Joe responds painfully, “The balcony!”

———————————————————

An Atlanta lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going in to retrieve it.” The old farmer replied. “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.” The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best attorneys in Georgia and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own. The old farmer smiled and said: “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Tennessee Three-Kick Rule.” The lawyer asked, “What is the Tennessee Three-Kick Rule?” The farmer replied. “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up. The big-city attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick to the shin had the lawyer hopping around on one foot when suddenly the farmer planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to pass out. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said: “Okay, you old coot now it’s my turn.” The old farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.”

——————————————————————————————-

A customs officer at the Mexican border noticed a man coming across one day on a bicycle with two small sacks tied to the handlebars. He naturally got suspicious and asked him to open the sacks, but when he did he found nothing but sand. This went on every day for the next month. Each time he’d stop the bicycle and open the sacks, and he’d find only sand. A few years later, he ran into the biker in a restaurant in Tijuana. After some small talk he said: “Come on . I know you were smuggling something all that time. I won’t tell. I’m just curious. What was it?” The other man said, “Bicycles.”

————————————————————————–

This printed in a Texas newspaper: The oldest cowboy in Texas died this week at the age of 106. On his birthday he was asked his secret to longevity and he said that for the past 50 years he has sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning. He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

——————————————————————-

A bald, white beard man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful young chick at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special necklace for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and showed them a $3,000 necklace. The man said, “No, I’d like to see something more than special from this one.” At that statement, the jeweler went to his special room and brought another necklace over. “Here’s a wonderful necklace at only $30,000,” the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes shined and her whole body trembled with excitement. The bald old man seeing this said, “We’ll buy it.” The jeweler asked “How will you pay this necklace sir? ” The old man responded, “By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the necklace up Monday afternoon.” On Monday morning, the jeweler furiously phoned the old man and said, “There’s no money in that bank account.” “I know,” said the old man. “But would you like to hear about my awesome weekend?”

——————————————————————————————

There was an elderly man visiting a doctor for his check-up. As he was leaving he asked the doctor if he could recommend a specialist for his wife. “What’s wrong with her?” asked the doctor. The old man explained that her hearing was getting so bad that it was almost embarrassing. The doctor said he knew of several specialists that could help but he wanted the old man to do a little test when he got home to help the doctor determine the severity of her hearing loss. The doctor said “When you get home, make sure your wife’s back is turned to you and ask her a question. If she doesn’t respond walk closer and ask her again. Keep doing this until she answers and let me know the results”. That night when the old man opened the door of his home he could see his wife in the kitchen preparing dinner. She was at the counter with her back to the door. “What’s for dinner?” the old man asked. His wife did not respond so he walks to the doorway of the kitchen and asked the question again. Still, he was greeted with silence. This time he walks up just behind her and asks once again “What’s for dinner!?” His wife spins around a bit agitated and says “For the third time, Fried Chicken!!”

——————————————————————

The grumpy Navy Master Chief saw a new face and shouted at him: “Come here! What’s your name, sailor?” “James,” the new seaman answered. “Listen carefully sailor, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “Its their last names only; Carter,Davidson,Cooper, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Master Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?” “Aye, Aye, Master Chief!” “Now,what’s your last name?” The sailor sighed. “Darling, My name is James Darling, Master Chief.” “Okay,James, here’s what I want you to do…

——————————————————————————————-

A man sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. He goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. “You talk?” he asks. “Yep,” the mutt replies. “So, what’s your story?” The mutt looks up and says, “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.” “I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. But, the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.” “So, I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.” “Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.” The man is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, “Ten dollars.” The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?” The owner replies, “He’s such a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”

——————————————————————–

Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years, to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him. His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked “What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore.” “I hired a professional worrier and I haven’t had a worry since.” replied Jack. “That must be expensive.” Bob replied. “He charges $5,000 a month.” Jack told him. “$5,000!!? How in the world can you afford to pay him?” exclaimed Bob. “I don’t know, that’s his problem.”

————————————————————————–

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!” The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years”.

———————————————————————

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. “I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want any pain killers because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.” The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?” The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”

———————————————————————

An airplane pilot had had a particularly difficult flight and a rough landing. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile and give them a ”Thanks for riding Royal Airlines.” But, in light of his bad landing, the pilot had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, ”Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?” »Why no, Ma’am,” replied the pilot,” ”What is it?” The little old lady said, ”Did we land or were we shot down?”’

——————————————————————————————————————-

Its the final round of the $64,000 question and only 3 remaining contestants are left, an Englishman, a Texan and an Arkansan. The question is, finish the following song title and spell the answer. »Old Macdonald had a ____”. The Englishman goes 1st and says “estate” “e-s-t-a-t-e”. The announcer says sorry wrong answer, but right spelling, meanwhile the Arkansan is going nuts he is so excited he cannot control himself. The Texan goes next and answers ” Ranch”, “r-a-n-c-h”. The announcer says sorry wrong answer but right spelling, and the Arkansan is jumping up and down and he is so excited he almost screams. The announcer turns to the Arkansan and says “for $64,000 what is the answer”. The Arkansan answers “Farm!…” , “e-i-e-i-o”…

——————————————————————

There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, “Hello, I’m Gladys Dunn.” And the gentleman replied, “You’re not the only one ma’am, I’m glad it’s done too!!”

————————————————————————-

Several men are in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues: “Hello?” “Honey, It’s me.” “Sugar!” “Are you at the club?” “Yes.” “Great! I’m at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?” “What’s the price?” “Only $1,500.” “Well, okay, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much.” “Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2017 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price … and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…” “What price did he quote you?” “Only $60,000!” “Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options.” “Great! Before we hang up, something else…” “What?” “It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and…well, I stopped by to see the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beachfront property…” “How much are they asking?” “Only $650,000… a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…” “Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $620,000, OK?” “Okay, sweetie. Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!” “Bye.” The man hangs up, closes the phone’s flap and asks aloud, “Does anyone know whose phone this is?”

————————————————————————–

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife, “Don’t Ernest!” she said, “They’re for the funeral.”

______________________________________________________________

A lady walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the lady hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the lady returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says: “We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” The lady replied, “Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?”

———————————————————————-

A lady had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. “My Goodness!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?” “Why, yes, officer, I’m just fine” the lady chirped. “Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. “Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the lady began. “I was driving along this road when I started to doze off. When I woke up this TREE from out of nowhere pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was….” “Uh, ma’am, ‘the officer said, cutting her off, “There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth on your rear view mirror.”

_______________________________________________________________

A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground. “I’m free, I’m free!” he shouted. “So what,” said a little girl. “I’m four.”

————————————————————————–

A robber was robbing a house. All of a sudden someone said, “Jesus is watching you!” “What? Oh well,” said the robber and he went back to work. When he started to pick up the VCR, he heard the voice again, “Jesus is watching you!” it said again. This time the robber pointed his flashlight at the voice and asked, “Who said that?” It was a parrot. “I’m Moses,” said the parrot. “Who in the world would name you Moses?” asked the robber. The parrot answered, “The same man that named the pitbull in the corner Jesus!”

———————————————————————-

An older lady gets pulled over for going 70mph in a 35mph zone …Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one. Officer: Don’t have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can’t do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: He also claims that you do not have a drivers license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was going 70 in a 35, too.

————————————————————-

A homeowner needed to replace the fence on the back of the property so he called three contractors in to bid on it. When they arrived he noticed each vehicle was from a different state. He didn’t think anything of it and took them around back to make a bid. First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, ”Well… I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.” Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, ”Looks like I can do this job for $700… $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, ”$2,700.” The homeowner incredulous, looked at him and said, ”You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” ”Easy,” he said. ”$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Texas.”

————————————————————————

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38 (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.” “Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an ax and two 38’s!”

————————————————————————-

Three old maids die and arrive in heaven at the same time. When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!” So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!” The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, then one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on … very tall, dark hair, and muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word and walks away. The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?” The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”

——————————————————————-

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time of night,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. “Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?” “No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?” “But the guy was drunk,” says the husband. “It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.” So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push??” He hears a voice cry out, “Yeah please.” So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?” And the stranger replies, “I’m over here, on your swing set.”

---